Well, I think my lack of updates (or maybe it's the A2 exams which means everyone IS diligently studying wow) has caused the almost-demise of my blog. I only have about 20 readers per day (does that mean half of my readers are from A-levels? oh my) which in all honesty is really sad. Anyway, hi friend friend and friend whom i haven't seen in ages. I honestly hope i kicked Sociology's ass, but we'll never know until a season has passed.

As a super emergency I resorted to paying for p1 broadband, though i really didn't want to. You guys have no idea how condusive is NO INTERNET, NO GOOD ASTRO CHANNELS, and NO GOOD STORYBOOKS to studying. Trust me, it works fairly well. Except the laptop i'm using has dotA with AI, thus i'm quite well-equipped in the aspect of distractions. Sadly, that one program is enough. who invented it? *die*

This was what i wrote at 6AM today, which due to the lack of internet access is penned instead. Here i re-immortalise it:

At 6am, if you look out of your bedroom window, you will see nothing, no movement, except for the occasional car either rushing home from a graveyard shift or rushing to work. I hear the sounds punctuating the stillness and know that it's what i dread about what we call growing up, or responsibility, or terms synonymous to waking up before the break of dawn to meet the bills. I've realised part of why i choose (i think it's an unconscious choice for everyone) to be in my own brand of ignorance is because i can't bear to think of 6am mornings, to face the mundane.

I've just emerged from Nicholas Sparks' A Walk to Remember with eyes that will definitely remain sore the next day, despite having read it before. I suppose part of why the tears poured so much was because while reading, images of joel and i when we first starting out kept flashing within the other world i was immersed in. We were sweet, in love, and we still very much are. But a lot of things changed since then. i know i cannot be as young and innocent as before, i require change to adapt to the world i'm about to face, i require experience, i require a roof to not be available for me any time i want it to be, i need to take the mundane out of what i'm supposed to face, i need to face it and stop my willing ignorance. And i guess a book is what i really am, i'm still within it. i've confined myself since long ago into a fairytale and now even with that realisation, i am reluctant to tear the pages.

Though, everyday i work to flip each page over. I do want to try working (part time, for the moment), just to see how clumsy i'll be to actually being able to serve. I want. it ends with a full-stop here because the list will be just another ramble of self-sufficient dreams. I've learnt that i need to put things in motion, instead of just mere whims.

I've lived through my life with no excitements whatsoever. Till now, I don't think there is an instance i can call myself 'truly happy'.

It is now 6.20 in the morning. Take a look out of your window and what do you see? In my state now, I see no chance of 'happily ever after' happening. i'm far from an ingrate, i'm thankful for the blessings i've had in my life. However, i'm sure happiness comes with effort, so how is it obtainable for a person who's never had to work hard for anything in life so far? No accomplishments, no values to be proud of, unsure of maintaining the love i want for my life. so many incentives to break through complacency, yet it's that selfsame thing that holds the being back. I'm lost in all my abilities and knowledge because they turn out to be illusions of deception anyway. I hold nothing of myself I can claim to be proud about.

6.30am -  the birds have stopped chirping. Look out of your window and what do you see?